freedom and singlehood

...for more than a week now ... i m still not sure how i feel. very glad that i'm handling the break a lot better than i expected. compared to the last time i broke up, i cried so so much and was so depressed, my immune system took a major downturn that broke me out in hives all over, my GP was very concerned about my stress level then... this time I'm definitely handling it ALOT better... but then again it makes me wonder, if it's so easy to get over, was it love, or was it just companionship out of convenience. but i think too much la

wouldnt it be sad if we wake up one day to realise we're in or holding onto a relationship out of necessity, fear or worse, out of habit? whatever happened to sincere and simple love and adoration for our partners? how can something so pure n true degenerate to anything less? i know of couples who dunt hold hands when they go out, who no longer tell each other "I love u", who can't truthfully say each other who they've been out with...

it's easy to say staying in love is a choice, but anyone who tried it will know the task is daunting - no less.

it's my last day at the hospital today. 4 months no less, and i've learnt a lot. if not for this job offer that came after months of applications to similar positions, i wud have stayed on. i joined here with the idea that i wanted to hone my organization and coordination skills. the place is so freaking big, pity it lacks structure. but i've met people who have been very kind to me - who were patiently bearing with my tardiness and "crude-ness" so to speak. I'm grateful that God has placed me in this place to learn and hone my people skills instead. i wouldnt say that my EQ has improved tremendously but at least now i am consciously incompetent, one step up from being unconciously incompetent. now i need to make sure the learning goes up, not down

if not for this job, i wouldnt have experienced working in a typical "civil service" environment, wouldnt have known i'm not suited for this either. if i had never tried, i would have been forever wondering what it could have been like. so i'm happy to have tried. mayb it is because my family's finances are pretty comfortable, it gives me a chance to try my hands at different jobs with much freedom - without having to make my family starve if i stopped working for afew months. it's a bit like relationships maybe, one has got to kiss enough frogs (yuck!!) before finding a prince.

ah-cek (good guy fren of mine) says it takes courage to go into relationships the way i do, and that what i gather is experience. if i were brutally frank, the only reason that i started them is fear of loneliness. that void feeling i get when i hear a beautiful tune or watch a beautiful sunrise and realising there wasnt anyone beside me to share it with me.

ironically, i stil couldnt find someone to share those moments with me, even when i had a bf. so it's not just a matter of someone to fill the void, but waiting for the right jigsaw piece to appear. and like june says, it's not abt searching for the right one, might I add neither is it about being the right one. but more aptly, it is patiently waiting without panicking n grabbing the wrong one. be it a job, a bf or even a car.

fear cripples our ability to make wise decisions. and time and again i come back to this fact, that only perfect love can overcome all fear